Having Coffee With The Lunatics In My Head


Sometimes I wonder how many individual nutcases are loose in my head. Seriously, when I consider the things that I believe concurrently, many of them mutually-exclusive, I have to wonder when it was that I began renting out rooms in my mind and where all of that rent money is going. After all, it’s not going up my nose or the pocketbooks of prostitutes, so I should have a really wicked savings account built up with the rent money from these freakin’ lunatics . . . 

Oh, and by the way you lamers, the rent is due!

Some of the things that I believe:

I believe in true love, love at first sight, and waiting on sex until marriage. I believe that true love requires dispositional compatibility, that opposites attract, and that there’s nothing wrong with sex on the first date. I believe that life-long romantic relationships are both the most difficult and rewarding thing a person can have, and I believe that romantic relationships don’t survive longer than twice the length of the crush-stage. I believe that chemistry is paramount, charisma is overrated, and that honesty is always the best policy, painful or not. I believe in social lies, charismatic leaders, and that interpersonal chemistry destroys the mind in a way that illicit drugs can’t touch.

I believe in predestination, free-will, deital omniscience, deital disregard. I believe that the landscapes of our lives are littered with intended obtacles and lessons before we’re born, and I believe that every single choice we make changes everything that is to come. I believe in a personal god that loves me and who pays attention to my trials and travails, and guides me to the destinations best for me. I believe in a watchmaker god that created and spun us off without a thought to fend for ourselves, and who long ago forgot that we even exist.

I believe that our gods birthed us, watch us, guide us, protect us, receive us when we die, and are worthy of our worship. I believe that our gods are nothing but personifications of our baser instincts and that we use them as lenses through which to filter out enough of the world around us to make what we see comprehensible. I also believe that we use our gods as explanations for what we cannot understand or abide. I believe that our gods are our own constructs and are therefore unworthy of our worship.

I believe that portents and omens are real, at least the ones we recognize. I believe that time is a river, that it branches into a new universe every time a decision is made, and that the branched channels are close to one another until they branch again into yet more universes. I believe that our glimpses of the supernatural are nothing but a thinning of the wall between our universe and another, and that portents and omens are indications of upcoming important branches in the stream of time. I believe that sometimes we can sense the impending branch, the birth of a new universe, in the same way that a woman can sense the impending birth of her child before her water breaks or her labour begins.

I also believe that time is a ray, a series of connected points that starts and never ends and never branches and that data doesn’t pass farther than from one point to the next. I also believe that there is no such thing as time, that our perception of time is an artificial contruct of individual moments that our brains create to formulate a coherent picture, that every moment is unhinged from the next and only appears contiguous to us. I believe that there is only one universe, that we are in it, and that the things we think are metaphysically connected are simply the pattern recognition that once helped us recognize a snake in the grass but now simply distracts us from the tangible reality around us.

I believe that we are responsible to each other, to ideals higher than ourselves, and to the social safety net. I believe that we are only responsible to ourselves and the concepts that we individually treasure, and that personal responsibility trumps fortune. I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel, that the sky is falling, that the sun will come out in the morning, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is actually an oncoming train.

I believe in black hats, black helicopters, and tinfoil hats. I believe that a hacker is a tinkerer and a black hat is a criminal. I believe that modern government is sorely needed to protect the People from the corporational power that money and black hats bring, and that white hats are only white in comparison. I believe that modern government is over-reaching and impassive, and that its tendrils in our minds have taken us to the brink of a dystopian future in which we will be human commoditites instead of simply commoditized. 

I believe that corportions have brought us individual wealth and national power, and I believe that corporations have enslaved us, that modern government springs from corporational pocket lint, and that we’ve passed the time the tinkerers can do anything but make a point. I believe that time is running out, that we have all of the time in the world, and that The Great American Experiment is timeless. I believe the my nation is in irrevocable freefall, and I believe that if we begin paying attention again, the People could once again regain control of the empire.

I believe that aliens crash-landed at Roswell, and I believe in men in black. I believe that the men in black are Jack Bauer and Fox Mulder combined, and I believe that they investigate things and perform functions that the People would panic and riot about if they were known. I also believe that the government can’t keep a secret because it’s an organization composed of actual people. I believe the government has used aliens at Roswell as a false cover for top-secret military research and experimentation ever since, that the men in black don’t exist at all, that they are another bit of misdirection used to keep us occupied and not paying attention to The Man behind the curtain doing the researching and testing at Area 51.

I believe in ghoulies, ghosties, long-leggedy beasties, and other things that go bump in the night. I believe that there’s nothing in the dark but the dark. I believe that our fears of the dark are remnants of our evolution that originally kept us safe but now cripple us in the night. I believe that without eyes that see well at night that I will never know the truth of this one way or the other.

I believe in messages from The Great Beyond, and I believe in the human soul. I believe in the afterlife, in reincarnation, and in being judged for your intentions more than for your your actions at the end of this life. I believe that consciousness is a side effect of the cellular physiology of our brains, that this life is not a rehersal, and that when we die everything we are is snuffed out like a candle flame. I believe that this life is all we get, so it’s the one that matters, and damn the consequences.

I believe in the rewards of hard work, ethics, loyalty, and fair play. I believe that people with the slightest amount of power or authority will claim someone else’s hard work for themselves, short-circuit external ethics, sacrifice your name on the altar of politics, and bugger fair play, all without a second thought, when doing so is to their advantange. I believe that the only opinion that matters is my own, that I’m the one who has to live within my own meatsack, and that it’s my face I see in the mirror every morning.

I believe that everything we see and feel is a joke, a dream, a simulation in grand computer somewhere we can’t comprehend. I believe that everything we know is an experiment in a petri dish and that we’re destined to be bleached into oblivion. I believe that this is all actually very real, that it is what we think it is, and the possibilities of that are the greatest mystery of all to me.


Middle-aged, life-long Texan with a substantial chip on her shoulder.

Posted in confessions, Spirituality

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