Sexy Sundays | The Ins & Outs of Anal Sex (Part 2) (NSFW)

Riot.Jane

In our first Sexy Sundays post, The Ins & Outs of Anal Sex (Part 1) (NSFW), MellissaY and JohnY introduced us to the topic. There’s so much more information that’s important to the topic, that we’ve decided to post a follow-up. While there is a wealth of information available in many places under many larger topics (anatomy, physiology, psychology, sexual health, etc.), we thought that gathering much of it in a single place would be useful to others.

The vast majority of the below has been means-tested in our own personal lives. It’s gathered from years of reading on various related topics, and referenced by the only book I’ve seen on the topic: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. More in-depth information on these topics (and some not even included here) are available in this book. It’s a light read, but a good primer. Recommend.

Definitions

  • Anus: The end of the digestive tract, the puckered opening of your butt, the “butthole”
  • Anal canal: The area of the digestive tract immediately behind/prior to the anus, approximately 2″ ong, everyone’s shape is unique
  • Rectum: The area of the digestive tract immediately behind/prior to the anal canal, approximately 6″ long, everyone’s shape is unique
  • Anal sex: Manually stimulating the anus and/or rectum for physical pleasure
  • Anal sex – Rimming: Using the tongue to stimulate the anus externally, often used interchangeably with analingus
  • Anal sex – Analingus: Using the tongue to stimulate the anus externally and anal canal internally, analagous to cunnilingus, often used interchangeably with rimming
  • Anal sex – Fingering: Using a finger or fingers to stimulate the anus and rectum internally and externally, analagous to vaginal fingering
  • Penetration: Insertion of anything through the anus into the rectum
  • Lubricant (lube): Liquid applied to the anus, rectum, and other involved objects (digits, toys, penises, etc.) to make anal sex more pleasurable


Lubricants

The anus and rectum are not self-lubricating, so lube is required for successful anal sex. Many brands are available at drug stores, discount department stores, and grocery stores (usually in the family-planning aisle). All are available online and by mail order. There are three broad categories of lubricant and brand names of different types:

  • Water-based lubricants: THIN: Popular for vaginal sex, as they are the most similiar to nature vaginal secretions, similar in consistency to water. Can be used for anal sex: AstroGlide, Wet Light, K-Y Liquid (vagina-, anus-, and latex-condom safe).THICKER: These differ from the THIN in that they have a thicker consistency, similar to hair gel: K-Y Jelly, Embrace, Wet, ID (vagina-, anus-, and latex-condom safe)
  • Oil-based lubricants: These don’t dry out (unlike water-based lubes) and are therefore appealing for long-session use: Crisco, baby oil, petroleum jelly, and baby oil gel (non-vagina and non-condom safe)
  • Silicone-based (thin) lubricants: These blend the benefits of water-based and oil-based lubricants in that they are usually thinner than oil-based lubricants, feel very wet, and don’t dry out nearly as quickly as water-based lubes, and are easily refreshed with a bit of tap water: ID Millenium, Wet Platinum, and K-Y Sensual Silk

Notes on Lube Types: Some people don’t like water-based lubes because most of them contain glycerine, which becomes sticky when it begins to dry out. Oil-based lubes are much more difficult to remove with soap and water than water- or silicone-based lubes. Water- and silicone-based lubes don’t stain fabrics, oil-based lubes have been known to stain. Silicone-based lubes are absorbed (harmlessly) into the skin during use and are quickly reactivated with a bit of water . . . So don’t be another person who jumped in the shower only to find their silicone lube reactivated as they bust their ass. Reactivated silicone lube is more slippery than fresh, and it’s quite easy to hurt yourself very badly on wet surfaces.

Never Too Much Lube: The first mistake that anal-play beginners make is using too little lube. People who don’t usually use lube (or use only a small amount) for vaginal sex consistently underestimate the amount of lube needed for anal sex. Whatver amount you think you need, multiply that by about six. Wasting a bit in the learning stages is far less traumatic than not using enough. Anal sex with too little (or, horror of horrors, NO) lube is incredibly painful. The anus, the area around the anus, the item/s to be inserted, and and the beginning of the anal canal should be VERY slippery before you even THINK of sticking anything in there. Trust us here — There’s no such thing as too much lube.

Sex Toys (“Marital Aids”)

All sex toys should be smooth, somewhat flexible, clean when used, cleanable (made of inert, non-porous materials), retrievable after insertion, realistic in size/shape/proportion to their intended purpose, and sanitizable (boiling, chemical disinfectants, or soap-and-water washing). These guidelines are especially important when discussing toys for the butt.
  • Buttplugs: A toy made for the butt! They are made of various materials and they come in a wide range of sizes, but they all have an overall similar shape. They have a narrow end that flares to a wider section that abruptly shrinks to a small section capped off by a very wide base. Imagine a miniature Christmas tree. The narrow end enters the anus, the plug is inserted until the wide section is completely in the rectum, and then the anus closes around the narrow section. The very wide base remains outside of the anus as both a guard against “losing” the plug inside of the rectum and as a handle to remove the plug. Picture.
  • Anal Beads: Another toy made for the butt! This is a string of spaced beads made in a variety of sizes of various materials. The idea behind anal beads is that the strand is inserted into the rectum and then removed, one bead at a time, in a pleasurable way. Picture.
  • Dildoes: Suitable for vaginal/anal use, these are also made in various sizes of a variety of materials. These are penis stand-ins, and are made in various shapes, some with a defined head and veins, some smooth and only as penis-like as a wooden dowel, and many variations in between. Picture.
  • Vibrators, hand-held: Suitable for vaginal/anal use, these differ from dildoes in that they have batteries (or plug into a wall outlet) and vibrate. The intensity and wave-form of the vibrations are usually variable with a switch or dial. Picture.
  • Vibrators, attached/butterfly: These vibrators are not dildo-shaped. They are designed to strap on (or in some other way attach) on to the body, usually the clitoris. They usually have batteries. They can be used in the anal area but should not be inserted into the rectum because they are not designed for that. Picture.


Note on Toys: NEVER use toys with multiple partners or across multiple sessions without sanitizing/disinfecting them in between sessions and partners. This can be accomplished with disinfecting soaps (least preferable but easiest), soaps made for cleaning toys, boiling, or cold-disinfection preparations (best option but pricier).

Barriers & Hygiene

Not allowing any toy or body part that has been in your rectum or anyone else’s in your vagina is very important. This can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). Only items that have been washed with (at the very least) disinfecting soap and water between uses is safe. Alternately, latex/silicone gloves, finger cots, or condoms can be used as a barrier to cover toys and body parts so that the barrier can be removed once the activity is completed.

Do not use latex (toys/condoms/gloves/finger cots) with oil-based lubricants, only with water- or silicone-based because oil-based lubricants break down the latex and cause microscopic holes, at which point the item is useless for hygiene or bacteria-transfer prevention.

Also note that because oil-based lubes can be surprisingly difficult to remove with soap and water, they are not a good choice when planning sessions that will involve having to wash items or body parts between activities. If you can’t get the item or body part clean with soap and water quickly, just say no or wrap it in a condom before applying the lubricant.

Sexually-Transmitted Diseases

In addition to unsafe sexual activities causing PID, which is not sexually-transmitted infection (STI), actual STIs can be transmitted via anal sex. These include anal warts, hepatitis, trichomoniasis, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV/AIDS. One can contract an STI without vaginal intercourse or contact! As a result, safer sex practices are just as important with anal sex as with vaginal or oral sex.

Getting Started

The tissues of the anus and rectum are very fragile and are therefore easy to tear, break, and abrade. Fingernails should be short, smooth, and clean with hangnails trimmed. Toys and the anus should be clean. Copious amounts of lubricant should be on-hand. The bowels should be empty. If you prefer, you can self-enema, but don’t do this any sooner than two hours before anal activity. During an enema, the tissues of the rectum absorb some of the enema water, leaving them engorged and even more fragile than usual. Within a couple of hours, the water will be absorbed further into your body and the rectal tissues will resume their normal characteristics. Also, relaxation is VERY important — The day you’re stressed out about being able to pay the rent or the week of the big presentation at work is not the time to begin anally adventuring.

If you’re interested in exploring anal play but afraid/insecure/unsure, anal masturbation is one way to ease into the concept without embarrassment with a partner. Relaxing and exploring yourself in a secure environment will do wonders for yoru confidence level in trying something new with a partner. Use lubricant, and touch your anus, massage it, tickle it, push on it gently. Pay attention to how it feels, not what you’re doing. Continue. Eventually insert the tip of a finger if you’ve become excited or liked other things you’ve done. You don’t have to do everything the first time: you can work on these things, work up to these things, over several sessions if needed. The Western world’s cultural baggage about anal anything is extreme, and that’s something you might have to work through slowly. If it is, that’s okay. You’re by far not the only one. Once you’re familiar with anal masturbation and have found a few techniques you like, you can introduce this to your partner with a bit of confidence.

Anal mastubation is particularly important if you’ve had a bad anal sex experience in the past. Too many people’s first experience with it was when a partner unceremouniously jammed a dry finger into their anal canal or when a particularly pushy person who had no idea what he was doing pressured her into jam-the-penis-in anal sex because she was on her period. Not only does this simply hurt like hell, but it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you or wrong with anal sex. Neither could be further from the truth, but good luck convincing your body’s memory or your subconscious mind of that. If you had a bad experience with anal sex in the past, try to make a conscious effort to forgive yourself, forgive that partner, and to recognize that there is nothing wrong with anal play. This may take some effort, and several masturbation sessions, but the possible payoff is well worth the effort.

If you and your partner haven’t explored anal play together, it’s imperative that you have at least one serious conversation about it in a non-sexual situation before you try. This avoids surprised or negative responses that damage emotional intimacy. Discuss what you’d like to do, what you don’t want to do, how much you do or don’t know about it, how much your partner does or doesn’t know about it, etc. Be specific, and be direct. Yes, this might be the most difficult conversation of your life, but it’s well worth the effort.

If such frank sexual discussion is outside of your (or your partner’s) normal character, consider disccussing it in stages. Bring up the topic in general. Then bring up the topic again while expressing a bit of interest. Then bring up the topic and your interest agian, and slip in a general idea of what you might like to try (fingering, rimming, etc.). In this way you can either slowly overcome your shyness or guage your partner’s response at each step, or both, and move through the stages in a way that is comfortable for you both.

After you’ve gathered your ideas of what you might like (either through masturbation, fantasy, porn watching, etc.) and have had at least one serious conversation with your partner in a non-sexual setting, it’s time to introduce anal play into your relationship.

With a partner, beginning anal play can and probably should be part of foreplay, especially if you or your partner aren’t experienced in the area. This can consist of touching, teasing, playing, vibrating, massaging, rimming, and other forms of outercourse. Don’t think you have to move from anything to anything. It might be enough to just touch the first time. Many people find anal play and anal sex an intensely emotional thing, and too much of any good thing too soon in the bedroom can leave negative associations, ruining long-term prospects.

Building Up

After everyone’s excited and wanting to “get down to business,” the time for insertion (of a finger, a toy, a penis) will arrive. Thoughts to bear in mind . . .

Initial penetration:

  • Penetrator: Talk to and listen to your partner. Tell your partner what you’re going to do or ask them what they want you to do (whichever is the norm in your sexual relationship). Give them time to respond or wait for acknowledgement (again, whichever applies to the two of you). 
  • Penetrator: Allow your partner to take the lead — Your partner is the one that is on the receiving end of a good, mediocre, or bad experience. Let them drive the action, and you’ll both be much more likely to have a good time.
  • Receptor: Tell your partner what you want. Tell your partner what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what is progressing too quickly and what is progressing too slowly. 
  • Receptor: Take the lead — You’re the one on the receiving end, and if your partner is considerate, your partner will allow you to learn as you go. No one can read your mind and tell how you want to be fucked in the ass, so don’t leave it to your partner to try to figure it out. This is a recipe for disaster.
  • Both Partners: Start slow and work up to things, especially while you’re still learning what you like and what you don’t. Talk during the action. This is imperative.
  • Both Partners: If anything that originally felt good begins to feel bad . . . Think: Lube.


Later penetration:

Just because you’ve explored a little and learned a few things about yourself and your partner, don’t over-estimate tolerances and go hog-wild on that butt. Even those experienced in anal sex don’t just go right to penis-in-the-rectum action. 
Each session should start slowly and work up. How slowly to start and how quickly to work up will be unique to each couple. You’ll have to learn it. Err on the side of slow, and you’re both more likely to enjoy yourselves.
Withdrawal:
Removing anything from the anus/rectum should be done slowly and gently. You were smart enough to not just jam it in there originally, so don’t just yank it out!
Orgasm

Some women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm via vagainal and anal stimulation, some do not. Some require clitoral stimulation with just one form of vaginal/anal sex and not the other. There’s a ring of muscles and nerves around the anus and vagina (including the clitoris) in the shape of a figure-8. This is called the PC Muscle Group. This muscle are important for a range of reasons, and is imperative to the female orgasm and is the reason why some women can orgasm from just anal or just vaginal stimulation. While the clitoris is indeed the most nerve-rich area in the PC Muscle Group, some women find, after experimentation, that their anus is just as sensitive.

Pain
Anal sex, when properly done, should not hurt. If it does, you’re doing something wrong! The two culprits for this are usually (1) not enough lube and (2) progressing insertion faster than appropriate. Your anus and rectum need a bit of time to adjust and stretch, and this amount of time varies from person to person. 
If something hurts right off the bat, too-fast a progression is likely the culprit. Slow down and back off to an earlier point. If something that was feeling good is now beginning to hurt, too-little lube is likely the cause. Pause, and reapply copious amounts.

Outcome

What happens if, after all of this effort and work, you figure out that you just aren’t going to fall in love with anal play? That’s both possible and acceptable. Everyone has their own tastes and appetites as well as things they don’t appreciate. We think it’s worth the effor to actually find out if you like it properly done, though, instead of simply guessing, judging from a previous bad experience, or going with societal baggage. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

~Riot.Jane
About

Middle-aged, life-long Texan with a substantial chip on her shoulder.

Posted in culture, education, sex

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